WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS. SHIT?
I read the spoilers, and after the initial shock, I decided to just wait for the book to judge more objectively. As much as I should have known better, I wanted to give SMeyer the benefit of the doubt. I shouldn't have even bothered. All my initial reactions were confirmed and multiplied x 100000000. It's even harder to actually read than to hear about through annoying Twatlighters' summarizations.
THE SHIT LIST:
- The baby. WHAT THE FUCK. I don't even read Twilight fanfic that has Bella getting pregnant, note even when it's all human and pregnancy is a perfectly plausible thing, much less the miracle vampire baby ones, and I'm not about to suddenly see the light and enjoy it now that it's canon. Babies are not romantic. They're not interesting to read about. I did not sign on to read about some girl having a baby. I can turn on Lifetime if I was into that. The baby took over the whole fucking book. Besides being nonsensical and contradicting canon history a billion times over, the whole fucking storyline was just boring as fuck.
- Does Edward even exist? He spends 90% of the book off somewhere researching with Carlisle and only returns to sex up Bella at her convenience. Does he not have any feeling whatsoever towards his daughter? The kid basically exists as Bella's daughter and Jacob's imprintee and Edward apparently has nothing to do with it and couldn't care less, even though HE WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED A BABY IN THE BEGINNING. WHAT THE FUCK, SMEYER. JUST WTF.
- Jacob. I don't get the people who say they enjoyed Jacob's book the most. NOTHING HAPPENED IN IT. HE WHINED ABOUT BELLA A LOT AND EDWARD BASICALLY GROVELED AT HIS FEET, AND THAT WAS IT. I DID NOT FIND ANY OF THAT ENJOYABLE. Jacob Black can now be called the official true male lead of the Twilight series. Edward Cullen who? Jacob certainly has had much more screentime than Edward over the course of the 4 books, and his importance to the story just keeps growing exponentially. I was almost physically sick when Edward said "you have a connection to Bella that even I don't understand" or some bullshit like that. SMeyer's irrational obsession with Jacob has clearly not diminished but risen to new heights. Several hundred pages in his POV for the final book? REALLY? I said almost as soon as we found out about Nessie/Jacob that SMeyer probably will end up writing a book all about their ~epic love story~ some day, but I was slightly off - Breaking Dawn is practically that already.
- The entirely nonexistent plotline. I always thought SMeyer ran out of plot ideas after Twilight, hence New Moon being a Twilight remix only with werewolves instead of vampires and Eclipse jumping the shark completely with the J/B nonsense, but Breaking Dawn really takes the cake. I thought she had a great opportunity to right a lot of the wrongs of Eclipse, to get the series back on track and finish it off the right way, but she went 180 degrees in the opposite direction, decided to channel the most cliche and unbelievable and ridiculously bad fanfic plot ever and make her characters even more unlike themselves than the least talented 13 year old on FF.net could.
THE POINTS OF LIGHT IN THE MOONLESS NIGHT:
- Book 1. Everything before the inexplicable pregnancy bullshit was awesome. It was typically cheesy Twilight goodness. I almost posted on the "If you liked the book" post when I got through most of this section. Instead I decided to keep reading a little bit more. BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER.
- The maybe 7 pages out of 800 that Edward and Bella actually got to spend together. When they're together there are still remnants of the terrific and cute and hot and everything that made me love them in the first place. Unfortunately, when Bella spends the other 793 pages totally forgetting Edward's existence, it's hard to take her at her word when she briefly channels pre!BD Bella and remembers how amazing she thinks he is.
- Seth. Utterly adorable. Sure, even he got more screentime than Edward, but he's just so damn cute. When he whined at Jacob being mean to him, I just wanted to cuddle his cute little wolfy self.
God. I know I've written an essay here, but I'm just so incredibly pissed off. There are more thoughts, but I don't think anyone has even read this far. HA. I'm off to see if I can finish this sucker off. I haven't gotten to the ~love shield~ stuff yet. Hopefully it doesn't piss me off further.